Through years of continuous self reflection and working through some difficult and emotional experiences, this is what I know to be true from where I am now:
I am a compassionate, empathic person. I feel deeply. I want and need to be of service. I spent years trying to manage others’ emotions…more than I ever realized, until recently. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I’ve dealt with some really challenging experiences in my life and ALWAYS have come out with a greater strength, knowledge and resiliency. I am 100% better at living in the moment and dealing with what is…but I still have a LOT more work to do on that. I continue to do so every day. I am proud of myself when I move forward through the pain…I refuse to let it debilitate me! I am proud of myself for my accomplishments and the decisions I am making for my own future, apart from any one else’s. I know I will do great things and use my experiences and honesty and training to empower, guide and support others through theirs.
If I am completely honest with myself, I also know:
I am emotionally exhausted at times. I am still sad and scared sometimes. My boys have given me strength and purpose I never knew I had. They are my mirror and I strive every day to do better for them. But still, I let the “what ifs” creep back in. I have been challenged in ways I never saw coming. I feel concern for others and still get triggered at times. I am much better at ignoring the “nonsense” MUCH of the time. I am continuing to figure out how to have authentic, connected relationships in which I feel mutual support and understanding. I focus on building the connections in my current relationships. I pray every day for the guidance and the strength to let go of the doubt. And sometimes I just dance!
This is what I want others to learn from my experiences and remember as they navigate their way through theirs:
Our feelings are real, valid and worth exploring and expressing. That said, I do not let things fester or make me sick any longer. I do not let them stop me from finding joy. I move through them faster than I used to. I find myself jealous sometimes of others who reap the rewards and accolades without necessarily putting in the time and effort to warrant them. BUT the truth is that I gave, and continue to give, my all to be the best I can be, NOT for the accolades but because I want to feel the connection with others. I have made more mistakes than I can count and continue to do so. I am not proud of some of my choices or reactions to difficult situations but I work to forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know at the time.
As I have learned through heartache (and triumph) nothing is permanent. I lose track of that sometimes. Then I get grounded and remind myself of all the good in my life, all the power and strengths I possess and all the positive things ahead. I give myself grace for allowing the fear, doubt and sadness to creep back in and then recommit to moving forward…also with grace. I allow myself to feel sad, to feel concern for others, to doubt my connections in some relationships sometimes. Today, I am, AGAIN, reminding myself to just let those feelings wash over me…pass in and out. Acknowledge them because they are valid, but DO NOT let them live within me. I am putting myself first. I am focusing on what is best for me which will, in turn, lead to stronger and healthier relationships in my life. I am learning to let go of taking care of others who don’t want the care-taking.
The road is longer than I thought but when I look back I can see how far I’ve come. I am trusting that everything is going to be ok. I am finding my way. And I am not letting the negative thoughts or feelings eat me alive. I keep reminding myself of my favorite quote from Maya Angelou: “Do the best you can and then when you know better, do better”. We all are just doing the best we can…whatever that is. So, I can forgive myself for what I didn’t know before I knew it. And then work to do better. It is my mission to keep growing, learning and practicing authenticity. And support others do the same.
Peace,
Patti
