“Stay home”, we are told. “Limit outside contact”, they say. But what if your own home, a supposed sanctuary, was where the danger lurked? For many living in abusive relationships, that is the case. Imagine if the only time you felt some sense of safety was when your spouse, parent or other family member was away at work or school. It was your few hours of freedom from fear, walking on eggshells and spending countless amounts of energy on keeping the peace. Then comes COVID-19 and quarantine. No school, no leaving for work or no work at all, no visitors, nowhere to go for fear of possibly infecting others…no escape. This is the reality that many among us are suffering in virtual silence.
Historically, abusive relationships become more volatile during times of stress, uncertainty, and heightened emotions. Undoubtedly, recently, most of us are dealing with all three on some level. But for someone in an abusive and/or generally unsafe home, this is the perfect storm for violence. Whether physical, emotional, verbal, sexual or financial, abuse is all about power and control. Sometimes it is overt and obvious other times it is more subtle. Regardless, the more abusers feel they are losing control and power, the greater the lengths they will go to gain it back. And so goes the cycle of violence. And now, there is no respite for the person(s) surviving this cycle. It is harder to go visit family or friends. Running mindless errands just to stay out of the house is not advised at this point.
Maybe this sounds familiar to you. Maybe you have a friend or family member that may be living with this right now. What can you do? What can we all do? First, if you are in this situation, remember you are not alone…no matter what you have been told or led to believe. Lean into that. We tell people to have a plan, have access to money, tell someone, call the police. But this is often easier said than done. When you are living in this type of relationship sometimes it just becomes your “normal”. It is incredibly hard to see past the current situation and hope for something better is fleeting. And now we are basically confined to the very place that brings many people the greatest sense of fear rather than comfort.
So, during this time in which many of us are cherishing the slower pace and more time at home, understand not everyone may feel the same. Perhaps your friend, neighbor or family member is suffering in silence. Imagine what it must be like to feel trapped in a much more real and scary way than what you may feel. It is not right, it is not ok. But it IS the reality for many more among us than we realize. Reach out to each other if it is safe to send/receive private messages. Look for opportunities to safely check in with each other. Call the police if there is imminent danger and understand that the survivors may not be grateful because they know that the abuse may actually ramp up when they are alone again.
Please remember that not everything is what it seems. We can give each other grace and hold space for one another even if we don’t fully understand each other’s journey. Be vigilant, be loving, be kind. And most of all know that many among us wake up every day to face the same demons that brought them to their knees the night before. That, friends, is bravery. Let’s walk beside each other, at least figuratively until we can do it literally again.
Peace,
Patti
