Domestic violence…we think we can spot it. We think we would stop it. But the truth is that most times it is unexpected and we are unprepared for it. Even after SO many years have passed and the emotional wounds have healed, it is still difficult to talk about and admit. I was 22 years old and leaving that relationship was scary, dangerous and emotional. But remaining in it was emotionally painful and mentally exhausting. And the secrecy of the truth was debilitating. See, sometimes, that “normal” person next door is quietly, privately surviving something you know nothing about. I was that person so, I decided it was time to share some of my story. My truth:
I was lured by a person who preyed on my low self-esteem and empathic personality.
Let me be clear…I am one of the fortunate ones. I had resources, I had family and friends. I was young and not married to (or raising children with) this person. I did not grow up in an emotionally, physically or mentally abusive family. I did not witness violence. I grew up in a middle/upper middle class midwestern community. My dad worked in banking and advertising; my mom stayed home to raise my two siblings and me. I went to college, had friends, was involved in activities. Everything seemed so “normal”.
Yet, still, I “drank the Kool-Aid” and fell into his trap. And I thought I could help him, “fix” him, teach him. All the while I was withdrawing from my friends and family. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I also wanted to protect everyone…so much so that I sacrificed myself. I was always the friend that consoled heart-broken friends and said “never give up yourself for a guy”. So, how could I be in the position to be doing just that?
My girl friends wondered why I wasn’t going out with them anymore. How could I tell them that I was afraid of what he would do to me, and maybe them, if he found us? My male friends wondered why I stopped talking to them. How could I tell them that is was for their own protection? Because the guy who claimed to love me was so jealous he would threaten to beat the shit out of anyone who even looked at me in a way he deemed inappropriate. I spent 10 of the 13 months I was with this person torn between figuring out how to help him and how I could leave him. All the while, knowing it was an unhealthy relationship but working hard to cover up the pain and fear I carried.
To shed more light the terror that abuse causes, I will share the details of the relationship and how I escaped it another time. Today, I share, as a reminder to us all, that what we see isn’t always the whole story. I share to say “me too”.
I share part of my story to honor all those who are brave enough to share their stories, those who are brave enough to have gotten out and those who are brave enough to still be surviving in silence.
I have learned to give grace and not judge another based on the limited knowledge I have of her/his/their situation. I have forgiven the person who evoked such fear in me for he was doing the only thing he knew and continuing the cycle of violence he witnessed. That experience encouraged me to be of service to others in abusive relationships or situations. It has given me insight and empathy and I now use those skills to coach others. My personal experiences enable me to relate to a survivor in ways beyond my classroom education. For that, I am grateful.
This is what I know to be true: We all have a story. I believe that sharing our stories connects us. So, I share mine in hopes it helps even just one person to not feel so alone or to reach out for support. And to remind us all to practice compassion for our neighbor. We never really know their reality, we only have our perception…and the two are often not the same. May we all find our own peace.
#survivor #domesticabusesurvivor #shareyourstory #brave #lovethyneighbor #findingpeace
