Have you ever been shocked, disappointed or even blind-sided because people you thought would be there for you haven’t been there in the way you need? I know! I have spent countless hours wishing, hoping and praying to be asked, by the people who I thought were in my corner, “Are you ok?”. I wait. I cry. I wait. I analyze. I wait. I bargain. I wait….
And then I wonder if it is ME. I turn it inward and create stress and discomfort within my own body. I stress over why the other person did or did not show up for me in a way I needed. What did I do? Why am I not good enough? Was it something I did or said? But maybe it wasn’t really about me at all.
It’s easy to show up for someone when you can relate to their pain or situation. Maybe you’ve been through something similar so you can draw on your experience to empathize with them. But what happens if someone is going through something painful and you have no personal experience with their situation? OR what if you don’t agree with their feelings? Maybe you even feel as though they are overreacting or “should just get over it”. Can you show up for them then, in their time of need? Can you ask someone if they are ok or what they need even when you may not fully understand what they are going through?
Sometimes, the people that you thought you needed most or maybe just wanted most, don’t see you for who you are. Or are not capable of allowing you to have your feelings while experiencing their own.
Maybe the truth is that YOU not being “Okay” is too uncomfortable for THEM. Maybe they don’t know how to, or want to, face your feelings… or their own. The truth is, it is not our job to conform to something that doesn’t feel ok within ourselves, just to make someone else feel better about themselves, or their need to win some invisible contest or power struggle. It is our job to be true to our own integrity and authenticity. And set boundaries that support and protect ourselves.
To my friends or family for whom I have ever not shown up authentically, with integrity and without judgement, I am truly sorry. Those reactions come from my own fears or through my own lens. It’s not you, it’s me. And now that I know better, I work every day to do better.
Behaving as a true friend to others…during the hardest times…means putting aside our own ego, letting go of the knee-jerk response of telling the person what they should or should not do. I encourage you to take a step back and put this into practice.
Being a true friend to ourselves…especially during the hardest times…means giving grace, setting boundaries in – and sometimes letting go of – relationships that do not align with our core beliefs.
Remember, it is OK if you are not okay right now. You will be! And if someone doesn’t ask, it is about them NOT you!
Find Peace.
